Short 'N Sweet

Part One With Applejack out savin’ Equestria all the time, ah guess ah just wanted everypony t’pay attention t’me fer once. So I started eating… An’, boy, lemme tell you, Ah started gettin’ attention. Amazin’, how much yer body c’n say without you havin’ to speak. An’ mine said, Lookit me! Mine said, Ah’m big, Ah’m strong, an’ Ah’ll have what Ah darn well please for lunch, please ’n thanks, an’ Ah ain’t afraid ta be stared at fer once. Ah work hard, an’ when Ah’m off, Ah’ll treat mahself. Ah will eat like a horse because Ah am a horse! An’ Ah worked fer this body, so I ain’t gonna be afraid ta show off any inch of it. ...

Stop me if you’ve heard this one before. So an otter arrives home from work, dead tired and faced with the prospect of Kraft dinner, jerking off, and early bed before going back to work at a soul-crushing office job where he would inevitably have to undo and redo the progress he’d thought he’d made that day. The otter, being a sensitive sort, needs to talk to somebody, so he calls his friend, a German Shepherd. They’d been friends since college, but never got to more than fooling around; he’s the perfect emotional Kleenex. Well, the shepherd doesn’t answer his phone, so the otter leaves him a short, weepy message on voicemail. ...